


all's fair

by oMUSEo



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Pranks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-17 01:33:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11841216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oMUSEo/pseuds/oMUSEo
Summary: In which two dorks go to haunted houses, play pranks on each other, and pretend they aren't in love





	1. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane makes the first move ( and also tries to get Ryan to wear his clothes )

Shane walks casually down the hall leading up to his partners apartment, giving a friendly smile and wave to the elderly woman a few doors down the hall. She stops halfway through her door and peers at Shane curiously, probably unaccustomed to seeing Shane in the area without Ryan, especially at this hour. He gives her a wink causing her to blush before quickly pushing her way into her own apartment. 

Once it was clear, he pulls out a little black box and opens it, revealing a small set of tiny tools, and gets to work

picking Ryan's lock. 

He works quickly, fully aware that any one of the fifty other people in the complex could leave or come home at anytime and although he was a good liar, this would be really hard to explain. His hand fumbles for a second and the tool gets momentarily stuck in the keyhole before falling out. He freezes, hands floating in the space about the knob; it's very possible he broke the knob, leaving it very impossible for anyone to get inside. 

He considers leaving, going home, and playing dumb when Ryan calls him, asking to spend the night because some idiot tried to break into his apartment and broke the door. 

Then, he considers ACTUALLY breaking the knob, because the situation would force Ryan to borrow clothes from Shane--that he would no doubt drown in--and Shane would be able to witness that small miracle for at least twenty four hours and then, he'd be able to witness the look on Ryan's face when he tell him that he was, in fact, the idiot. 

But, then he considers the possibility that Ryan might call someone else (unlikely) and quickly turns the knob; It turns fully and the door floats open, revealing Ryan's sterilely clean home. Even the throw blanket is folded in a perfect rectangle and hanging over the side of the couch. Shane continues to let himself in, closes the door softly behind him and checks his watch. 

He has an hour before Ryan gets off work and Steve promised to keep him busy for as long he could which would buy him at the very least another hour. That's almost two hours. 

Shane could do a lot in two hours. 

 

. . . . .

Shane was taking a well earned nap when his doorbells starts ringing. Knowing full well who is on the other side, he takes his time reaching the door. He picks up his robe, slips it on, and examines his face in the mirror. The thought to wash his face and brush his teeth crosses his mind, but the ringing has become a impressively constant string of dings, so he decides it against. Instead, he walks into the kitchen and pours wine into the waiting glass on the counter and makes his way to the door, opening it as he takes a sip. 

"Ah! Ryan," he greets, "to what do I owe this pleasure?" 

Ryan has his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrow raised. His expression is wholly unamused and Shane schools his own, careful not to break down laughing too early and give himself away. 

"Why are you drin-" he starts, "Never mind, Shane. Why did I come home to find ghosts all over my apartment"

"Now, Ry-"

"No, Shut up Shane," he interrupts while stomping into the apartment, "I mean like little paper ghost all over my apartment" 

The shorter man pulls out his phone and shows him a picture of his living room, completely covered in small paper ghosts. They were strewn across the floor, taped to the walls, there even a few larger ones hanging from a string on his ceiling fan. Shane takes a minute to admire his handiwork before pulling back from the picture with a shocked look on his face. 

"Dude," he gasps, and Ryan starts to look worried, "I think your place is haunted." 

Ryan stares at him, mouth slightly open, like Shane had grown a third head and then closes his mouth, trying valiantly to fight the smile that's pulling at the corners of his mouth and making his lip quiver. 

and fails. 

He breaks down wheezing and Shane just manages not to join him. 

"Oh my god. Ryan why are you laughing. This is serious. Where's your holy water"

He looks around the room comically and rushes to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of wine.

"This will have to do," he offers brandishing the bottle to Ryan, which only causes his laughter to double, "Saint Peter will have to bless this" 

"I don't think FATHER Peter will bless your bottle of Pinot Gringo," Ryan wheezes, wiping the tears from his eyes. 

"What?" Shane objects, "Why? This is definitely more classy than your stupid water bottle!"

"There was actually water in the bottle to turn into holy water!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Holy Water expert was water not turned into wine at some point in a church?"

Ryan just rolls his eyes and Shane can feel the telepathic 'Shut up Shane' emanating from the younger man. 

"Shane, if you throw that ghosts then they'll probably only get drunk"

"Well, that's a haunted house I'd want to be invited to," Shane replies raising his glass and taking an exaggerated gulp of wine, sending Ryan over the edge again as he fights to stay upright. Shane cracks a smile this time and pats himself on the back, unable to stop his laugh when Ryan finally straightens himself out and sighs contentedly. 

"I can't fucking stand you," Ryan wheezes, "who leaves early from work to fill their co-workers house with little paper ghosts.

"You have no proof it was me Bergara" 

"Ms. Reina brought some cookies over and on a whim, I asked her if she had seen you."

"Me and her have a little thing going on," Shane responds, "She wouldn't rat me out, even if I were there."

"Right, gross" Ryan says, obviously not convinced, "That's weird because she said 'of course I saw your handsome young friend, that's why I brought cookies." 

"Ah," Shane sighs, "Its unfortunate, but this isn't the first time she's double crossed me. We're gonna have to have talk about snitches and stitches" 

"Leave my elderly neighbor alone, Shane. She feeds me." 

 

Shane shrugs and Ryan tosses a pillow at him, before getting up. 

"Well, I should get home," he starts and walks towards the door, "since I still have to clean my kitchen of bedroom of ghosts. which I will get you back for by the way"

"You sure, just don't wanna stay the night," Shane offers, "I promise there are no ghosts here."

"Thanks," Ryan laughs, "but I'm still in my work clothes, I would like to change at some point."

"Well, contrary to popular belief, I do own clothes. And I am willing to let you wear some at no charge to you"

Ryan laughs again and shakes his head, "No, I should really get home. I'm not even packed for our flight tomorrow. "

"Suit yourself," Shane shrugs and begins to walk Ryan out of his apartment, ushering him through the door with a slight press of his hand to the small of the younger mans back. 

He lets him get a few feet away down the hall before he shouts after him.

"Don't forget to exorcise your refrigerator!" 

Closing the door as Ryan lets out a pained groan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane: 1 Ryan: 0
> 
>  
> 
> Here's a line from the next part
> 
> ""What?" Shane smirks, "you thought I'd be embarrassed? Well jokes on you. I look fly as fuck."


	2. Fireworks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan decides it's time for payback
> 
> But miscalculates Shane's reaction.

Shane casually flips through the magazine in his hand and pretends to take note of next seasons fashion trends as Ryan fumbles through their shared hotel room, throwing items around as he searches for his bank card. Somehow, within the two hours since they had landed, he had misplaced it. The card was currently resting on the inside of Ryan's shoe, and Shane knows it, but thought it best to let the younger man fight his own battle this time.

"You know fanny packs are totally a thing right now," he mentions from behind the papers. Ryan peaks up from the other side of the bed and gives Shane a discerning look.

"Please don't"

"Ryan, I'm just trying to appeal to our viewers and what better way to do that than dress like them," Shane argues, but Ryan's snarky reply was lost somewhere with all the dust bunnies beneath the bed. There's a soft thump and the room grows quiet for a second too long. Curiosity takes over Shane and he leans over to peak on the side of the bed. He finds Ryan sprawled across the floor, head still underneath bed and the rest of his body plastered against the floor, limp with defeat. 

"Hey, there buddy?" He pokes the exposed flesh of Ryan's back, making the defeated man wriggle away. 

"I'm so hungry Shane," he whines, "Not to be dramatic, but I think I'm dying." 

Shane swings his legs around and stands beside Ryan before squatting and peaking underneath bed. 

"That was sooooo dramatic," Shane drawls, before straightening himself out and stepping over Ryan's body so he can pluck the blue card from the shoe. He aims and flicks the card, hitting Ryan in the side of stomach. 

"Ow!" Ryan exclaims before sliding out from under the bed to yell at Shane; however, when he sees his card waiting on the floor next to him, his face lights up and Shane's stomach definitely doesn't do little flips at the sight. 

But he does mentally curses Ryan's perfect face before free falling into his assigned hotel bed. 

"Well, I'll be back in a little bit with food," Ryan says cheerfully, "Please don't just sleep while I'm gone. If you get our stuff ready we can just leave after we eat."

Shane says something in return but it's muffled by the fabric of the pillow, so Ryan just leaves; rolling his eyes as he slips the door shut, knowing full well that Shane would be asleep in less than five minutes. 

. . . 

Shane wakes with a start some time later and looks around the now darkened room while his hand roams the sheets looking for his phone. It's definitely been more than "a little bit" judging by the heavy and puffy feeling in his mouth, the stiffness in jaw from sleeping on his stomach, and the barely there light filtering to the room. Meaning Ryan should have been back a while ago, his fingers finally brush against the smooth corner of his phone and he pulls it out from under the pillow. 

It time for him to meet the others to scope out a possible location. He considers going back to sleep, forcing Ryan to come get him, but decides against it and makes his way to the bathroom. He spends a few minutes grooming before making his way to where his shoes are waiting for him. 

Or should be

Where his shoes should have been, he finds a pair of sneakers that are most definitely not his. He picks one up carefully, and watches it for a minute before shrugging and slipping them on. Quickly making his way out the door, before the phone calls starts. 

. . . .

 

Ryan watches slack jawed as Shane swaggers through hotel lobby, looking completely unbothered even though he's drawing the attention of the few people in the room. Even the clerk behind the counter leans over and arches an eyebrow at the older man's shoe choice. 

"What?" Shane smirks as he steps up to Ryan and the rest of the crew, "you thought I'd be embarrassed? Well, jokes on you. I look fly as fuck."

He winks at Ryan and saunters out the front door, fireworks at his feet with every step. 

"That's impossible," Ryan whispers, still in shock. Shane was supposed to look ridiculous. This was supposed to be his redemption prank. Instead, he looks like Ryan just gave him a gift! Ryan shakes his head and follows the blonde hair man out the door, trying to make sense of the world. 

No one should look that good wearing Adult Sized light up Sketchers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking the old school sketchers. The ones that look like athletic shoes. 
> 
>  
> 
> Shane: 2 Ryan: 0


	3. Cravings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane's hungry and Ryan provides. 
> 
> Also Ryan and Shane's mom are besties

"I'm hungry."

Ryan looks up from his phone at Shane. The older man wasn't looking at him, probably because he was driving, but he definitely had spoken. They were on their way to a haunted museum, Shane still wearing the dumb sketchers even after Ryan offered to return his shoes. 

"Okay?" Ryan replies, slightly confused. 

"Which means I need to eat," Shane clarifies as they come up to a stoplight and Ryan can't help the laughter that bubbles up out of his chest. 

"Well, that's usually how that sort of thing works," he wheezes and Shane turns his head slightly towards Ryan with a look he knows too well. 

The "I'm going to ask you to do something that you probably don't want to do but I'm gonna make you do it with science anyway" look. 

"No," Ryan says preemptively, "Whatever it is. No"

"Come on!" Shane whines, "I just want you to get out of the car at the McDonalds coming up."

"You don't even like McDonalds," Ryan argues, "and how did you even know there was McDonald's coming up?"

The light turns green and the procession of cars begins crawling forward once again. Shane doesn't reply for moment, the voice of the navigation system filling the empty space. 

"I have a mad nugget craving, so while we packed up the van, I checked it," Shane replies as he turns into a shopping center, "and this is the closest one to the haunted museum and I know what you're thinking, but no drive through. It's in a Walmart."

He parks the car and turns towards Ryan fully.

"Plus, two things: 1 you owe me food because I bet you went to buy food and ATE it WITHOUT me before you replaced my shoes and 2. Mama Madej would be very upset if you didn't feed her baby"

"You're gonna have to remind her that I'm not your wife," Ryan laughs and Shane shakes his head. 

"Sorry bro," he says, putting his hands up in surrender, "she's already decided. Your fate was sealed when you told her I was funny" 

"Because I think you're funny!" Ryan defends loudly, "I mean you are funny"

His face heats just slightly and Shane beams just a bit too much.

"Keep that up and we'll be sending her wedding invitations," The older man says. He winks and suddenly a warmth that paints Ryan's cheeks spreads through the car. He clumsily fumbles with the door handle and tries to hide his sudden embarrassment from his companion; the will to argue about who should get the food leaving him. 

"You're assuming that I would marry you," Ryan tosses back with no real bite to it and Shane laughs again. 

 

"I'm a catch Bergara," he says as the shorter man finally gets the door open and steps out into the refreshing air outside the car. He closes the door behind him and Shane rolls down the window to shout as he walks away,

"Don't forget to get yourself something nice too!"

Ryan rolls his eyes, but doesn't even try to fight the smile tugging at his lips as he makes his way across the parking lot and into the large building in front of him. 

He steps through the door and immediately is met with frantic sight of people rushing in and out of aisles and into check stands with carts and carts full of items. Grateful that he isn't here to actually shop, he weaves through the crowd until he find himself at the end of the small McDonald's line. 

"I just should get him a-," Ryan starts to mutter to himself when it hits him. 

He steps out of line and makes a beeline towards the aisles, disappearing into the crowd. 

. . . 

Ryan slips into his seat balancing two brown McDonald's bags in the crook of his arm and a drink in his hand as Shane makes grabby hands towards the food. 

"Dude, what took so long?" He whines and Ryan just shrugs in response 

"There was only two people working. Here." 

He hands the blonde one of the bags and watches carefully as he takes out a large square container that claims to contain fifty nuggets. Shane looks at him skeptically and gestures towards the box. 

"Really? Fifty? That's a lot."

"Can't ever say I didn't feed you then," Ryan makes a point to not look at him, realizing too late that it might give him away. He looks up and their eyes meet. Shane eyes him carefully and Ryan gives him a confused look, like he's trying to understand what Shane is trying understand. He breaks the eye contact and reaches into the bag, pulling out a few of his own fries. 

"If you don't eat them they'll get cold," he mentions as he stuffs the fries in his mouth. 

Shane stares at him for few second before slowly lifting the lid off his container, expecting plastic snakes to come flying out, or despite the unusual weight, that box is empty save for one single nugget. Instead, he finds the large box is filled to the brim with various fruits and veggies. There's an apple, some tangerines, a bell pepper, jalapeño and even a fucking onion. His shoulders deflate and he glares at Ryan, who, in turn, bursts out laughing. 

"What's wrong," he wheezes and Shane throws one of the tangerines at him, revealing the banana resting beneath them. 

"I fucking hate you," he pouts, "I trusted you!"

Ryan's wheezing intensifies and Shane takes out the onion.

"This is an onion Ryan!" He cries, "This is like the furthest thing from a nugget. Can this even be eaten safely while raw?"

His lips become a thin line across his face as he eyes Ryan and his stupid grin menacingly. 

"Hey," Ryan smiles as he throws his hand up in defeat, much like Shane had done earlier, "Don't blame me. Your mom said you needed more vegetables in your life last time we talked."

"That woman doesn't know anything about my eating habits," he murmurs defensively and Ryan laughs again. 

"I mean, right, what does she know? She only raised you."

"I've grown a lot since I lived in that house Ryan"

"Vertically doesn't count"

Shane slams the lid of his carton shut and places it on the dashboard, the weight of the fruits causing it to slide down towards the windshield; it stops with a thud and the lid curves like it might pop open soon. 

"I think the real issue here is that you talk to my mom too much," Shane accuses, "it's like you're a double agent." 

"What?" Ryan sputters, "what do you mean?how often do you talk to YOUR mom."

"I can talk to MY mom whenever I want," Shane clarifies, "YOU talk to MY mom like you guys are part of the same crochet club" 

"Your mom doesn't even crochet!"

"See!" Shane points triumphantly at Ryan, "you're not supposed to know that. There's supposed to be more of an air of mystery around her. Much like myself"

"I know like literally everything about you"

"Yeah," Shane replies with a dopey grin before looking back at the box dolefully. Ryan scoffs and hands him the brown bag in his lap after removing his own fries from it. Inside, there are several ziplock bags filled with nuggets and a few packets of dipping sauces; a sigh of relief bursts from Shane's chest as he pulls one of the bags out. 

"I take it back Ryan," he breathes, "you're a beautiful and trustworthy man. The best wife I've ever had. "

Ryan snorts and shakes his head. 

"Yeah, whatever," he replies," Here, let me drive before the others file a missing persons report."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane: 2 Ryan: 1
> 
> Good? 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, 
> 
> I'm always open to prank ideas because I'm not actually as creative as I pretend to be haha


End file.
